The Magical Flute of Many Whimsical Whistlings
by jiminycricketX
Summary: A fair maiden, A noble hero, and dastardly villian. A new adventure from the ingenious mind of JiminycricketX, are you ready? Rated T for violence and mild language.
1. Of Politics and Shoe Laces

_Yes, I have returned. I am the intruiging and influential JiminycricketX. After the success of the Illiterate, Corny, Sappy, Fluffy Legend, I have decided to begin working on a new parody. Unlike the last one, this isn't a parody of fanfiction, but a parody of the games themselves. The story might start a little slow, but it will get better, I assure you. And for all of my fans that have been waiting for updates on my 'Link's Awakening' story, my half-year brain block is over, and Ihave begun working on the story again, just be patient. I also enlengthened this chapter because it was so god awful short. Now it's... well, still short, but longer than it was before._

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**Chapter One:**

**Of Politics and Shoe Laces**

A long time ago, in the beautiful, far away kingdom of Hyrule, there lived a young princess named Zelda. Her father, Andamtus Roccadeus Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, was the king of Hyrule, and ruled with, though not quite an Iron fist, A relatively hard fist. To be completely honest with you, he was not in the slightest bit popular with the people of Hyrule, because of the heavy taxes he required of them. But he didn't actually commission the taxes, because most of the government was controlled by his mysterious, shifty eyed advisor, Agchohusen.

Andamtus Roccadeus Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule (From now on, we will just call him Andy,) was not a very smart man, and thought that whatever Agchohusen said was all in the good of the country. In truth, King Andy was no more than a political figurehead than anything else. But to get back to the subject at hand, from which my path has most drastically altered, I believe we were talking about the princess, Zelda.

Now, to say that the princess was as beautiful as she was wise, would not be a fair statement, for she would have to be the ugliest hag in all of Hyrule. Yes it is true, the princess was one of the greatest idiots to ever walk the face of the planet, but she was beautiful. Some said she was fairer than the stars above, which we should all hope so since all stars are just giant balls of flaming gases hundreds of light-years away from earth, and when you think of them that way, they don't seem so pretty anymore.

But despite her lack of wisdom, she kept up a rouse of unimaginable knowledge by asking her triforce of wisdom whatever she needed to know. The triforce of wisdom was one of three ancient relics that contained the very power of the gods. How the princess got her hands on the triforce is still a mystery, but it's popular belief that the gods felt sorry for her lack of brain cells and gave her the triforce of wisdom so that she could at least figure out how to tie her shoes in the morning. Another popular belief is that the gods did it just for kicks, but that is a very controversial theory. It is also a fact that, even with the triforce's aid, she still lacked the ability to tie her shoes properly. In fact, that was what she was trying to do on the morning that it all began…

"Okay, through the hole, Keaton ears…"

"No dear," The triforce of wisdom corrected her. "Keaton ears, _then _through the hole." Zelda gained a perplexed look as she looked at the triforce.

"But, what about the English muffin?" Zelda asked, staring down at the shoes she was attempting to tie. The triforce of wisdom, (We will now call it 'Wizzy') who was lying on the counter stared at her like she had a third eye in her forehead.

"There is no English muffin in tying shoes." Wizzy stated. Zelda stared down at her shoes again.

"Well there should be," Zelda replied, starting over again and still getting nowhere. "It would make it far easier."

"How would that make it any easier?" Wizzy asked.

"I don't know," Zelda snapped. "It just would."

Wizzy sighed heavily. "Sometimes, I swear, the gods must be punishing me for something." She grumbled.

"Oh, come on." Zelda replied. "If the gods are punishing you, how do you explain me?"

"I can't," Wizzy replied. "Believe me when I say I've tried."

"See? You prove my point exactly."

"What point?" Wizzy asked.

"Why, the point I just made of course," Zelda replied. "You should really be more observant, Wizzy." She looked down at her shoes again. "Oh, to hell with this!"

"Language Dear," Wizzy scolded.

"Whatever, I'll just wear my slippers." With that she ran over to the closet and pulled out her slippers and placed them on her feet.

"Wrong feet," Wizzy corrected.

"I knew that!" Zelda said, switching the placement of her shoes with some small difficulty. As soon as she was finished, she pulled herself to her feet and ran over to her counter, picked up Wizzy, who was kind of like a necklace, and put her around her neck.

"Come on Wizzy," Zelda exclaimed. "Let's go see what father is doing," With that, she set off down the hall.

"Wrong way, Dear,"


	2. No discounts

_Sorry, this one was kinda short, but there'll be longer ones in the future. I hope you all will like this story as much as you did the illiterate, corny, sappy fluffy legend. So far, I like it more, so I'm sure you will too. The really pathetic part is that this is longer than when I origionally wrote this chapter._

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Chapter 2

I Shall not be Silenced

Now, a great story wouldn't be complete without our hero. Let me turn your attention to a handsome young knight. He is a tall, broad shouldered man, with shoulder length black hair, and well kept sideburns. He has a muscular build, a broad chin, and is clad in shining, silver armor. He is surrounded by six or seven beautiful village girls, obviously head-over heels in love with him. He truly poses a dashing figure, but since he has absolutely nothing to do with the story in the slightest whatsoever, I'll turn your attention to a weapon store nearby, where our hero, a skinny, shaggy-haired teen in a green tunic, with a ridiculous elf hat, is at the moment haggling for his life against a vicious sword-smith…

"Okay, how about… 30 rupees for the shield." Link offered, pulling a red rupee and a yellow rupee out of his purse with a flourish.

"No!" The shop-keeper yelled. "For the last time, It's 80 rupees for the shield, and I won't take a green rupee less."

"Alright then," The young man replied. "How about…3_5 _rupees!" The shop keeper made a face that would have scared a gibdo, before shouting…

"GET OUT OF MY SHOP!"

"Okay," Link said, completely oblivious of the shopkeeper's obvious hatred of his guts, "I'll pay eighty rupees, but then, will I get a frequent shopper discount?"

"OUT!" the shopkeeper screamed. Link didn't waver before the onslaught of screaming. It was obvious that the odds were against him, but he wouldn't flee. _He was done running. _

"You don't frighten me fiend," Link replied, drawing himself up to his tallest height, which wasn't tall, even for his thirteen years. "Judge me by my size do you? My ally is the triforce, and a powerful ally it is." He reaches in his pocket, then realizes he left his triforce at home. "Well, never mind that, I will get this shield, even if I have to stand here all day. I know my rights, and if you don't sell me that shield, I'll just have to stand here and be annoying and drive away your customers with my stench and annoyingness. It's the shield or you business; take your pick, Philistine!" Link leaned forward on the counter, looking his foe straight in the eye, a defiant smirk on his lips.

Seconds passed. Minutes passed. Such a battle of wills would have broken any man, but Link's resolve was firm; he would have that shield.

"You're going to break any minute now," Link coaxed his foe, whose face was turning a dark hue of crimson. "Scowl as much as you want carrion, nothing you can do will make me move from this spot!"

Link made a mad dash out of the store as a rain of weaponry and profanities flew after him. They all missed, except for the occasional 'son of a b---- and 'lousy f---ing d---,' and a shield that hit him square in the back, knocking him to the floor. To his surprise, it was identical to the shield he was trying to buy. Invigorated, he forgot all about the pain in his back and picked up the shield gladly.

He also managed to obtain a bastard sword, jayambia, stave, hookshot, boomerang, butterfly knives, brass knuckles, pole-axe, katana, nunchucka, an enchanted blade of eternal hellfire, ginsu knives, and a mini-disk single of Sheryl crow singing, 'The First Cut is the Deepest,' a formidable weapon indeed.

He slipped away, before the shop-keeper could notice the semi-theft of his wares and his ran off towards the local bar, grinning about his new equipment.


	3. The face of Evil is pretty ugly

_I enlengthened this chapter too._

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Chapter 3

The true face of evil… is pretty ugly.

Finally, I would like to introduce you to the villain in this story. His name was… Ganondorf. He was the evil prince of the desert, who ruled over the female only race called, the Gerudo, (Lucky him.) Like the King Andy, the fist by which he rules was also not quite iron, but it was a tad bit harder than the king's. The power by which he ruled was not only his own power, but also the power of the triforce of Power, another powerful artifact. The triforce of power offered him all the power he needed to keep his soldiers and monsters in line, because let's face it; he'd be doomed otherwise…

"I think I've got it this time!" Ganondorf announced with evil glee. "I finally know how to take over hyrule, once and for all!" The triforce of Power, (From now on, Phil,) rolled its non-existent eyes.

"And what would this brilliant scheme be, oh mighty one?" He asked, half sarcastically. Ganondorf grinned, obviously pleased about his idea.

"We shall construct a large, wooden horse. We will give it to the Hylians as a peace offering, then we will hide inside. In the dead of night, we will jump out, and defeat the Hylians as they sleep!" A short silence followed as Ganondorf and Phil stared at each other.

Finally, Phil said, "That's the dumbest idea I have ever heard. Who would fall for that?"

"The Hylians, obviously!" Ganondorf retorted, indignantly.

"What, do you think the Hylians are all idiots?" Phil asked, then stopped, and pondered what he had just said. "I'm sorry; I take that last comment back." After some further pondering, he snapped his non-existent fingers. "I have an idea!"

"Does it involve wooden horses?" Ganondorf asked hopefully.

"NO YOU IMBECILE!" Phil roared. "It has nothing to do with wooden horses! My plan is to make a treaty with Hyrule."

"A treaty with Hyrule?" Ganondorf cried. "What kind of pansy idea is that?"

"Will you shut up and listen to what I have to say?" Phil asked impatiently. "Now, what I was trying to say is, by making a treaty with Hyrule, we could catch them unawares, and take Hyrule easily."

"Wouldn't that be dishonest?"

"Of course it would be dishonest you oaf!" Phil retorted angrily. "Dishonest, dishonorable, sneaky, underhanded; pick one. We're evil, we have no time for petty things like trust and honor! Besides that, I like being sneaky."

"But mom said you should always be honest," Ganondorf replied.

"You mom disowned you when you were eighteen," Phil replied coolly.

"Yo!" Ganondorf yelled angrily. "Not cool!"

He was going to say more when Phil interrupted him. "Okay, we are getting way off the subject. Do you like the idea or not?"

Ganondorf pondered the idea for a few minutes.

"No wooden horses?" he asked pleadingly.

"No wooden horses!" Phil replied.

"Pretty please?" Ganondorf pleaded, using his powers to transform into a cute little piggy with big eyes.

"No."

Ganondorf quivered his lower lip and his eyes started watering as a moblin played a sad song on a violin in the background.

"Pwease?" He pleaded in a cutesy little sad voice.

"No."

"Oh, come on!" Ganondorf complained, transforming back into his Gerudo form.

"No!"

"Just one," Ganondorf pleaded. "Can we at least have one wooden horse? PLEEEEEASE?"

"Oh fine! We can have one wooden horse!" Phil finally conceded, "As long as you promise to shut up!"

"Yippee!"

"What kind of evil laugh is that?"

"Oh sorry… ahem, MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUWAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUWAHAHAH…"

"That's enough."

"Sorry…"


	4. Family Matters

_I can't believe I've only got one review so far. That kinda sucks! Well, I hope to get more from my other fans soon._

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**Chapter 4 **

**Family Matters **

Link ran home, using mostly back alleyways to avoid being seen. About six guards were chasing him…again. It seemed to be happening a lot lately.

_It's a conspiracy! _Link was convinced of it. It didn't once occur to him that he was stealing, since the weapons _were_ thrown at him. People seemed to throw weapons to him a lot a weapon shops, and it was his belief that they were very generous.

He had gotten used to dodging the cops, since they chased him so much, so it was pretty easy to make it to his house which was in the middle of nowhere several miles from Kakariko Village.

"Gramps!" Link yelled. "I'm home!"

"Did you get more weapons today?" A voice came from the house.

"Yep, more people threw weapons at me again," Link replied. "But then I got chased by the guards again." Out of the back room of the house came a big, old man with a white beard.

"You had weapons thrown at you again?" He asked. "Link, you are too young to have weapons thrown at you; you could have been hurt. I will not let you get hurt because I've been strict and overprotective since your parents were both killed in a severe weapons shopping accident. The weapons shop owner chased them out of his shop throwing weapons at them and they were killed. I won't let that happen to you, so you should stop having weapons thrown at you!" Link became indignant.

"Stop treating me like a child!" He yelled. "I'm perfectly old enough to have weapons thrown at me!"

"Don't talk back Link!" Grandpa shouted back. "As long as you live under my roof, you won't have weapons thrown at you!" Link grew angry.

"I hate you; you can never just trust me to do what I want to with my life. How am I ever going to be a great knight if I never have weapons thrown at me? You can't tell me what to do! I have my own life! You're not my father, stop pretending to be! I hate you! I'm going to run away and never come back!" After Link finished ranting like a thirteen year old girl, he ran off to his room, slamming the door. He ran over to his desk drawer, where the triforce of courage, (Corry) was sitting reading the newspaper.

"Hey Link," He greeted. "How was your day?" Link ignored him and began packing his things.

"Come on Corry," Link yelled. "We're running away!" Corry looked at him quizzically.

"Again?" He asked. "You'd better not be getting me excited over nothing this time." Link shook his head.

"No, I'm really doing it this time," He replied. "We're going to run off for good this time, and have a cool adventure or something." Corry, if he had a mouth, would have grinned at the prospect.

"Alrighty, let's go!" Corry yelled. "Pick me up so we can get out of here!" Link grabbed him and put him on a string around his neck.

"Okay!" Corry yelled. "Let's go! Get that window open boy!" Link threw open the window, only to find that it was raining out.

"Maybe I'll run away tomorrow," Link said after some pondering of the subject.

"Oh fine," Corry moaned. "Go work me up over nothing." Link put him back on the dresser were he went back to reading the newspaper.

"My life is so dull," He grumbled.

"I think I'll go tell my grandpa that I'm not going to run away till tomorrow," Link said, running out of the room.

Link's grandpa, meanwhile, was having a nervous breakdown.

"It's all my fault, I drove him out into the storm, and now he's going to get hurt!"

"Um… Gramps…"

"I have to go after him!" He jumped up and got his sword and coat.

"Gramps…"

"I'll find him, even if I have to rip apart the entire country to do it!"

"Gramps…"

"Don't worry Link! I'm coming!" Link couldn't take it anymore, so he grapped his grandpa and slapped him several times.

"Snap out of it gramps! I'm still here!"

"Oh… okay…"

"It's raining; I'm not going to run away until tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay… okay…"

"Could you save your nervous breakdown until then?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Okay, good. Well I'm going to hit the hay; night gramps."

"Goodnight Link."


	5. Spoiler Warning

_Finally, a decent sized chapter! I spent a lot of time working on this one._

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Chapter 5

Spoiler Warning

Ganondorf laughed maniacally as he watched the construction of his ultimate weapon of evil.

"Muwahahaha, Muwhahahahahaha! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" **

"What the heck are you laughing about?" Phil asked, as he snuck up behind him.

"AAAH!" Ganondorf screamed, leaping a full five feet in the air. "DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!" He placed his hand on his chest and breathed heavily. "What do you want to give me a heart attack!" the triforce, who can float about on his own accord, shrugged.

"It's very possible." He replied nonchalantly.

"Well, stop it!" Ganondorf yelled. "I'm not as young as I used to be."

"Whatever," Phil replied. "Now, what were you laughing about again?"

"I was laughing about my new creation!" Ganondorf said, motioning towards his new creation, a huge wooden horse.

"Laughing because it's the dumbest thing you've ever seen?" Phil asked, smirking on the inside. Ganondorf frowned at Phil.

"NO!" He shouted. "Laughing because it's the greatest creation I have ever created!"

"That's pretty sad." Phil sighed.

"Oh, shut up!" Ganondorf growled. "You're just jealous because it was me who thought of it, not you!"

"Yeah right!" Phil replied sourly. "I'd be more jealous if you somehow figured out a way to launch water balloons at the Hylians." Ganondorf was about to make a comeback, when he stopped.

"A water balloon catapult!" He shouted. "It's brilliant! The hylians would all be drenched within a few hours of bombarding!" He grabbed a bokoblin as he ran past.

"You! Tell the commanding Generals that I require a catapult, capable of throwing boulder-sized water balloon to be made immediately!" As the bokoblin ran off, Ganondorf turned to Phil with a smirk.

"Are you jealous now, my oh so wise companion?" He asked, grinning defiantly. Phil was on the verge of screaming with his frustration, but he kept his composure.

"Yep, really jealous." Phil replied. Ganondorf was apparently pleased with his victory in making Phil jealous.

"See?" He asked. "You can't out-think me; I think of _everything_."

"Yep," Phil replied sarcastically. "I can't out-think you. You're a bloody genius."

"Damn straight!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "Now what is it that you wanted again?"

"I wanted to tell you that our agent has scheduled us a meeting with the parliament of Hyrule.

"Hyrule has a parliament now?" Ganondorf asked in surprise. "I thought they were a dictatorship."

"No, they're actually more of a limited monarchy," Phil replied. "The king resides over the parliament which is split into two branches, the judicial and the legislative."

"Ah, so it's like a system of checks and balances with the King being the executive branch?" Ganondorf asked.

"Correct." Phil replied. "A system we've infiltrated with our agent Agchohusen."

"Oh sure go spoil who our agent was for everyone," Ganondorf griped.

"For who?" Phil asked. "Who are we spoiling it for?" Ganondorf shrugged.

"You know, them!" He replied. "Like, what if they made a movie about this in the future and they wanted to keep it historically accurate without spoiling the whole plot for the audience by revealing the name of the agent too early in the film?"

"They don't keep movies historically accurate, they'll just cut this conversation before we get to that part."

"But what if we say something important later in the conversation?"

"Then they'll just replace Agchohusen's name with 'the Agent' and continue with the conversation that way." Ganondorf pondered the idea for a while.

"That would work."

"That would definitely work."

"They'd probably have to cut all that crap we just said though."

"Not necessarily, it could add to the humor of the scene."

"But what if they were trying to make a drama?"

"Oh shut up, we are getting off the subject."

"Right, what was the subject?"

"Our agent, Agchohusen."

"We'll have to cut that line from the movie too…"

"Oh, knock it off with the movie crap!"

"Fine. So, we are talking about the agent."

"Correct, Agchohusen."

"Quit spoiling it!"

"I'm not spoiling it! There's no one to spoil it for!"

"What about the audience?"

"There is no audience! This isn't a book, a movie, a fan-fic, a audio presentation, a comic strip, an HBO mini-series, or anything like that!"

"It could be a video game."

Phil was about to come up with a retort when he stopped himself.

"Well it would explain the health bars and magic meters floating up in the corner all the time."

"It would also explain the lack of realism, the fact that all our speech appears in text, and the reason that my leg always clips through my cape."

"Okay, so it might be a video game."

"So, it's a perfectly reasonable to assume that you're spoiling the story for the gamers."

"Yeah, but these are gamers we're talking about. Geeks, Hard-core, the gaming elite, Medieval historians, Tolkienites, guys who've never gotten dates in their lives and spend most of the time dressed up as wizards playing D&D in their basements."

"Your point?"

"My point is that these guys probably guessed where this cheesy, cut and dried plot was going the minute they read the intro; compared to some of the games they've played, this stuff is child's play."

"How do you know they're all the hard-core gamers you say they are?"

"Because no one else plays Legend of Zelda nowadays."

"Yeah, a sad truth."

"Back to the subject…"

"Right, the agent."

"Agchohusen, right."

"Spoiler…"

"Don't start again."

"Fine, fine… back to the subject."

"Right the agent."

"Right, so if the government is democratic, how is the agent infiltrating it?"

"He's a member of the king's personal cabinet."

"I don't see what cabinets have to do with this."

"A political cabinet you fool."

"Who invented this democracy crap anyway?"

"The British barons who wrote the Magna Charta."

"Slap them for me."

"They're dead."

"Ooh, did we kill them?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"Oh well, we can't always get them."

"As we were saying…"

"Oh right, agent, democracy… how did this subject get started anyway?" Phil had to seriously think about this question.

"I forget."

"Well, while we're on the subject, how did Hyrule turn from a monarchy into a democracy?"

"The Hylian lords went Union."

"Ah, Union rules. I hate Union."

"Yeah, those are the guys you have to meet with tomorrow."

"What? Why would I want to meet with those powder-wigged losers?"

"Remember, the plan."

"Right, the wooden horse."

"No, it has nothing to do with a wooden horse!" Phil screamed.

"Oh…" Ganondorf looked up at the wooden horse he had been creating. "Then why did I bother to make this thing?"

"Because you're stupid!"


End file.
